Offerings #9: The top Altar Boys movies of the 21st century

Inspired by The New York Times 100 Best Movies of the 21st Century, I polled my friends to compile the top Altar Boys movies of the 21st Century. These are films that either introduced voters to a life-altering crush or are the definitive role of a crush. A lot of the results are unsurprising given who I am always writing about, but others bring me back to a different time. 

Going through ballots with a fine-toothed comb and compiling my own list reminded me of 2000s hot, which is embodied by this Chris Evans edit set to “I Like It” by Enrique Iglesias and Pitbull, a virtually extinct model of hotness. And of Tumblr’s impact as a tastemaker and diary of celebrity crushes. 

@.thebestchris

HAPPY CHRIS DAYYYY #americasassfanclub #chrisevans #chrisevansedit #cevans #chrisevanstok #cevanstok #cevansedit

Without further ado, here’s the top Altar Boys movies courtesy of some of the most refined tastemakers in Brooklyn, San Francisco, and Los Angeles. It includes three British men, two bass players, and one Vince Vaughn movie.

Reminder: I am NOT a data scientist.

Please read to the end for the regular Altar Boys programming. It’s a long one so your email might clip it. And if you didn’t send your top 10 Altar Boys movies I would love to see them!

1) LADY BIRD (Timothée Chalamet)

Isn’t that the douchebag from Lady Bird? Well yes! And now Timothée Chalamet is a whole lot more than that. But he came into our lives with his face-framing curls bouncing while he played the bass as Kyle Scheible. He read and A People’s History of the United States, was just the kind of asshole you’d have a crush on in high school, and delivered quotable lines like, “I haven’t lied in two years.”

I still remember where I was the first time I laid eyes on him. I was in my cramped triple when my freshman year roommate returned from the movie theatre to announce she saw a trailer with a boy I was going to love. The rest is history!

“All I needed was the first 40 seconds of the Lady Bird trailer and I knew my life was going to change.” - Chloe L.

“Absolutely no one has ever done it for me like him. Completely formative.” - Mehak S.

“Legitimately life altering” - Anagha K.

2) HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL (Zac Efron)

Before Zac Efron sung, danced, and dribbled his way into our hearts men had to choose between the arts and sports! He was the hottest and most endearing guy Disney Channel had to offer and therefore was a super safe introduction into celebrity crushes. Not to mention the way he moves his body, Zefron is a dancer!

“Specifically the scene when he takes off his shirt in the locker room and puts on his basketball jersey right before he delivers his iconic performance of "Scream." Life-changing to see in a movie theater as a ten year-old – I will never forget the collective hooting and hollering I heard from the older girls in the room.” - Chloe L.

“My love for Troy Bolton knows no bounds and he is the blueprint for all altar boys imo. I think about HSM3 Troy every day and imagine what it would be like for this man to drive 1,053 miles to see me because I was going to miss my senior prom. Also to witness Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens literally be in love for 90 minutes is the best.” - Sam L.

3) THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN (Andrew Garfield)

There was a beautiful time in every girl’s life where the image of Andrew Garfield as Peter Parker holding a sad bouquet of wildflowers in front of his dirty face in Emma Stone as Gwenn Stacy’s bedroom was inescapable on Tumblr.com. The Amazing Spider-Man makes a lot of Choices one being that Peter Parker is a skateboarding loser and in 2012 that meant a lot. 

“POV: You're at two-a-day volleyball practices in the middle of summer, trying to improve your jump serve, gabbing about who has the same free period as you next fall...but in the back of your mind the whole time...there's...that...guy...in that movie you saw at the Santa Anita Mall...and how come none of the boys at your school are like...that....guy....in that movie?? One thing leads to another and suddenly you're telling your mom we "need to" buy The Social Network on DVD "as a family." :/ - Natasha P.

4) THE INTERNSHIP (Dylan O’Brien)

Like Logan Lerman, Tumblr led me to believe Dylan O’Brien is one of the most famous boys on the planet when in reality he’s just some guy. He’s best known for his work as Stiles Stilinski on MTV’s Teen Wolf and his portrayal of Thomas in the 2014 adaptation of The Maze Runner. However, it’s his performance as “Noogle” intern, Stuart, in The Internship that really resonated. They threw a slouchy beanie and some thick-rimmed glasses on that perfect face, candy in 2013!

I remember renting The Internship repeatedly at the video store one summer like it was my job!

“He shines as a snarky millennial Google intern because my boy is a COMEDIAN first and foremost.” - Chase D.

“His little glasses and beanie. That strip club scene... If you know, you know…” - Ben B.

5) HAIRSPRAY (Zac Efron)

Clearly Zac Efron did a number on my microgeneration to come up twice in the top ten for his musical roles. Hairspray came out the year after High School Musical and there’s a lot more hip thrusting. 

No one asked, but my preferred Zac Efron film is 17 Again. 

“Actually the campiest movie musical. I watched this movie on a bootleg DVD from my aunt on repeat on my mini DVD player. Zac Efron licking his hand to put his hair back... Yes please!” - Ben B.

6) SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE (Dev Patel)

What do you mean guys from Skins can be in movies too? Was my reaction when I found out Anwar (Dev Patel) was in that best picture winning movie from 2008. After finding that nugget of information, it was only a matter of time before I watched it on the couch in the living room while my parents weren’t home and was forever changed by Dev dancing to “Jai Ho.” 

A couple years later my life was forever changed by this man again when he debuted being an adult man in Lion. One wise voter, Anagha K., put two separate entires for Dev Slumdog Millionaire for “young Dev Patel” and Lion for “older Dev Patel,” but I’m getting ahead of myself!

7) HUNGER GAMES (Josh Hutcherson)

This one is hard for me because I’m a Gale defender until the day I die, but I can acknowledge Josh Hutcherson as Peeta’s impact. As one voter, Isabel A-G., said, “Peeta self-explanatory.” This man is a part of It Boy history and he’s critical Short King representation on this list.

Peeta is a lethal combination of a yearner and a diva. He lays in the mud with a full beat and gagged viewers everywhere during his interview with Ceasar Flickerman in Catching Fire: “If it weren’t for the baby…” 

“Mr. Babygirl himself: Josh Hutcherson. Get ready for that renaissance but also remember his ROOTS!” - Ben B.

“Peeta delivers the most iconic line in perhaps any book to movie adaptation” - Sam L.

BONUS: ANGUS, THONGS, AND PERFECT SNOGGING (Aaron Taylor-Johnson)

At the ripe age of 15, I unknowingly put on a film at a sleepover that would change the course of my life. That film was Angus, Thongs, and Perfect Snogging. In the 24 hours after I watched this movie for the first time, I watched it two (!) more times. Aaron Taylor-Johnson’s performance as Robbie, the daft bass player whose parents own a fruit and veg shop, convinced me that if I simply boarded a plane to England the most beautiful boy I’d ever laid eyes on would fall in love with me not in spite of, but because I was weird! 

ATJ in ATPS looks so ridiculously pretty with his swoopy hair and blue eyes and has so many insane line readings including, “What is wrong with you? You’re so random,” and “I wrote a song about you…It’s called bitch in a uniform.” I didn’t even have to Google these quotes, I’ve seen the film so many times that I can hear and see them in my brain in ATJ’s thick accent. 

And when he swims around looking at Georgia’s “cheesy puff” colored legs! I don’t care how bulked up he gets, Robbie will always with ATJ’s hottest role. 

“The blueprint for teen girl media, featuring altar boys pantheon member Aaron Taylor Johnson. THIS is the weird girl x rockstar representation we need more of.” - Chase D.

Aaaaand the most voted for boys across all their films are as follows. No surprises here!

1. Zac Efron: High School Musical, Hairspray, High School Musical 3

2. Timothee Chalamet: Lady Bird, Little Women

3. Dev Patel: Slumdog Millionaire, Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, Lion

4. Josh O’Connor: God’s Own Country, La Chimera, Challengers

5. Logan Lerman: Hoot, Percy Jackson & The Olympians, Perks Of Being A Wallflower

RAMY YOUSSEF is Altar Boys Boy of the Week. I saw him perform at the Beacon Theater Saturday night. Throughout his set he lingered on joy, hope, and love, abundant emotions that lately seem rare and finite. To close his set, Ramy brought out the two people giving him hope: New York’s Democratic Mayoral candidate, Zohran Mamdani, and the recently freed Mahmoud Khalil. Both were met with standing ovations and raucous cheers. Khalil said, “Our joy is an act of resistance” and that he hopes his son will grow up in a city where Mamdani could be mayor. “My hope is that your son will grow up in a city where he is free to speak,” said Mamdani. Mamdani and Khalil’s remarks moved me, and Ramy, to tears. It’s rare to see an artist, let alone a Boy Artist, so consistently rise to the occasion and conduct themselves with such integrity. Fran Hoepfner’s write up in Vulture captures some of the beauty of the night. 

KNEECAP made headlines this week for its continued support for Palestine at Glastonbury despite the UK prime minister, Keir Starmer, saying they weren’t “appropriate” for the festival and one member facing terrorism charges. The BBC cut away from its livestream of the rap group’s performance as they led chants of “Free Palestine” and “fuck Keir Starmer” and uploaded an edited version of their set to iPlayer. I really liked Ryan Broderick of Garbage Day’s coverage of the coverage around Kneecap and the other rap group that came under fire for its support of Palestine at the festival, Bob Vylan. 

You can also read the interview I did with Kneecap last year here <3

INDULGENCES: MY ALTAR BOYS

Former Skins cast members, anyone Irish, British actors whose breakout role was “playing gay,” rappers from Kentucky, and men in Ocean’s Eleven (and their codependent best friends) are all fair game.

HARRY STYLES tried and failed to parallel park a fan’s car in Italy. What could have possibly led him to getting in that damn car? Did he communicate with her in English or Italian? How did he accept his parking defeat, was it with his head hung low or a shrug? I’d love to give the fan who cut this video together her flowers because it spotlights the absurdity of the situation. There are so many rich details: he kept his headphones on, you can see the line of tension across his shoulders, the tiny pink Italian car makes him appear comically large. I won’t be the first nor the last to say it, but he’s doing anything but making an album.

He hasn’t done something this perplexing since his “car broke down” outside a fan’s house and he fed her fish … in a fisherman get up. Notice how a car is always at the scene of the crime, Taylor Swift, of course, famously noted this as well. 

HARRIS DICKINSON is being eyed to play James Bond, according to Variety. The next iteration of the franchise now has a director, Dune’s Denis Villeneuve, and a goal release date, 2028, now all they need is their star. As Altar Boys readers might recall, Harris is booked and busy playing John Lennon until … 2028. If this Beatles biopic is the reason we won’t get to see Harris gallop around in an impeccably cut suit with a sexy smirk on his face, Sam Mendes will be hearing from me!

I’m not even going to comment on the other names brought up in this article. And for the record I think DEV PATEL should play the next Bond. I don’t care that he’s 35. 

PAUL MESCAL went to Glastonbury with HARRIS DICKINSON and debuted his Beatles biopic bod — yet another crime committed by tetralogy no one asked for. Paul McCarteny is draining his body tea. 

MIKE FAIST showed up and showed out at the Dior menswear show in Paris. It marked creative director — and Luca Guadanino collaborator — Jonathan Anderson’s Dior debut. JOSH O’CONNOR and JOE ALWYN were also in attendance. 

TOM BLYTH’s portrayal of Alex Nilson in Emily Henry’s People We Meet On Vacation has a release date! Unfortunately, it won’t hit Netflix until January 9, 2026. Listen to his accent in this clip and tell me your thoughts…

JACK HARLOW was a Virgin focus group listener. What a sentence!

As always, thank you for reading and if you see an Altar Boy, say something! And please send me your top Altar Boys movies <3