Offerings #12: You can exhale, the flowery profile is alive and well

As is well-documented, Altar Boys is the number one hater of the new media press circuit, so I was pleased, neigh delighted to see lapsed-Altar Boy Paul Mescal profiled in print for Rolling Stone. I was even more overjoyed to find that it’s one of those ridiculous ones that treats the subject like the second-coming of Jesus that I love so much. 

The piece wastes no breath singing his praises and pointing to his depth and soulfulness. 

It asks the bold and brave question (italics for emphasis my own): “To date, has any actor paralleled Mescal’s uncanny skill for unrequited longing, sidelong glances, and heaving sobs? Has one man ever ugly-cried so gorgeously and across such a pantheon of sad and gorgeous films?” Mind you, the Irish short-short wearing actor has been in 7 films and at least 2 were unequivocable flops. The quote becomes even more outrageous when you consider who he’s acting opposite to in History of Sound (Josh O’Connor).

The best detail of the entire piece is Mescal’s throwaway line: “I played with fake swords and fake guns until I was 15 — a little bit too late.” What a humanizing and honestly sweet thing to say that reminds the reader of actors’ fundamental weirdo nature. Since many readers aren’t around children and might not know sword play timelines, the twelve-year-old kid I nannyed would roll his eyes at his five-year-old younger brother’s sword play... 

Lucky for us, the profile also let us into his process preparing for Hamnet… and playing Paul McCartney. 

For the former, he did dream and polarity work (!) which involved seeing dreams as “a link from his subconscious to the character” and his co-star Jessie Buckley “surrendering” while Mescal “contained.” According to Hamnet’s director Chloé Zhao the actors did Jungian exercises to “drop into the collective unconscious” to ensure he was “truly channeling Shakespeare, not acting out what we decided he should be.” I have no idea what any of this means. I LOVE actors — what do you mean you did dream work and Jungian exercises to connect to William Shakespeare!

For the Beatles tetralogy, he drives to rehearsal listening to The Beatles — ha! Then in Mescal’s words, “We go in, and we try to walk, talk, play, think like the Beatles. Then we get in the car, listen to the Beatles, and go home.” A lot of middle school girls' daily routine looks the same. 

I remember reading in a newsletter I like very much that the writer usually skips reading celebrity interviews because “what is there to know?” Well, everything, of course. 

BONUS: While it contains none of the theatrics of Rolling Stone’s profile of Mescal, I enjoyed reading Vanity Fair’s cover story on the Fanning sisters. They are so lovely and charming. As someone who often tries to infiltrate sister relationships, I loved reading My Favorite Actress Kirsten Dunst refer to herself as the third Fanning sister in earnest.

CLUB CHALAMET JOINS SUBSTACK: Gen X Timothée Chalamet superfan Club Chalamet took to X to announce that she’s starting a Substack after a representative from the platform reached out to her. In a typically long-winded post she wrote, “the recent media attacks, the trolling, and the suppression of this fan account require me to evolve to a new platform where I can thrive as a content creator.” It’s that serious. 

If someone from Substack did indeed reach out to her, its strategy in recruiting Club fascinates me. So far, the platform has yet to attract stan accounts or fandom generally which is the backbone of any thriving social media platform. Monetizing one’s fandom, like Club is attempting to do, tends to be frowned upon. Trust Altar Boys will be watching this space. 

THE DRY LOOK: A new horrible male beauty trend came across my desk: the dry look. I truly did not know this was happening, but it’s been growing in popularity for over a decade. The term originates from competitive bodybuilding and refers to the more muscular look achieved by multi-day dehydration. The piece cautions that the dry look is highly dangerous.  Hugh Jackman, Henry Cavill, Zac Efron have gone on the record about limiting fluids to achieve this effect for shirtless shoots and scenes. The piece notes that body dysmorphic disorder is on the rise among young men which is of course linked to the ideal male body sold by Hollywood. 

QUINN CLAIMS NEXT VICTIM: The Summer I Turned Pretty star Chris Briney is the latest actor to lend his voice to a story on the platform. We honestly need a new vocabulary to describe the level of fame that leads to an audio erotica stint. The story comes out just days after TSITP’s bait-and-switch finale. 

The Cut wisely pointed out that Briney is looking like a movie star lately — how does Quinn fit into that, I wonder. For the record, I saw his star power on day one of TSITP, I have a saved edit from June 2022 to prove it. 

WE LOST AN OG ALTAR BOY AND BLONDE MAN: Robert Redford died. I coincidentally watched All the President’s Men earlier this week which I keep wanting to call “To All the President’s Men” — Jenny Han you will pay for what you’ve done to my brain. It’s a fabulous film and to honor his legacy might I suggest a double feature with Dick (1999)?

FONTAINES D.C., KNEECAP and MJ LENDERMAN are among the over 400 musicians who pledged to block their music from streaming in Israel in a campaign called No Music for Genocide.

I LISTENED TO DYLAN O’BRIEN ON JAKE SHANE, SO YOU DIDN’T HAVE TO

New segment alert! On my way to JFK out of pure dedication to my craft and readers I listened to my inaugural episode of Therapuss with Jake Shane — how gauche. Despite my documented disdain for influencer-led viral clip generating media, I enjoyed listening in full rather than consuming it through lowest common denominator clips. There are two unfortunate takeaways: DOB wears an Oura Ring and is “such a self-help book guy.” 

For readers that attended Mira Costa High School, he described it as “a total stoner Cali high school” and Hermosa Beach as “a horrible place to move.”

INDULGENCES: MY ALTAR BOYS

Former Skins cast members, anyone Irish, British actors whose breakout role was “playing gay,” rappers from Kentucky, and men in Ocean’s Eleven (and their codependent best friends) are all fair game.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL charmed me at the Emmys! I hadn’t heard a peep from this diva since his method dressing room, but he walked back into my life and into Adolescence star Owen Cooper’s dressing room with purpose. Jake surprises the fifteen-year-old actor and superfan with an infectious smile and a thoughtful gift. I can’t help but think that Cooper lived out every boy’s dream. He proceeds to get a little silly and says, “I just came by because he’s been talking about me too much, so I figured I’d stop in and get it done.” Oh Jake, you make me laugh! 

For more, Vulture did a great roundup of all things Jake at the Emmys. 

JACK HARLOW is on an Eric Rohmer and Robert Altman kick. But after watching The Green Ray he wrote, “Gonna bring the Rohmerathon to a close for a lil bit because this woman just wore me out.”

JACOB ELORDI continues to be such a vibe with fans lately so much so that he posed with a fan while clutching a bag of dog poop in his jumbo hand.

JOSH O’CONNOR and PAUL MESCAL remain a delightful duo. 

LEONARDO DICAPRIO came out as Team Conrad.

Thanks for reading <3