Offerings #5: Marvel for quirky boys

“And though the news was sad / Well I just had to laugh,” sang The Beatles in 1967 and me on Tuesday morning. 

Why was I humming this tune? The casting announcement at CinemaCon for the four movies about The Beatles that no one asked for, of course. No, it wasn’t an April Fool’s Day prank, Harris Dickinson, Paul Mescal, Barry Keoghan, and Joseph Quinn are starring as John Lennon, Paul McCartney, Ringo Starr, and George Harrison, respectively. Two, maybe three, of our brightest stars are locked up in biopic prison for over a year!

Sam Mendes is making four biopics, one about each Beatle to be released in 2028. Why he is doing this, no one knows. A Sony exec referred to it as “the first bingeable theater experience.” Okay… Who is going to sit through four movies in the theaters about the same thing from different perspectives, other than me?

CinemaCon hasn’t taken up this much brain space since Olivia Wilde got served divorce papers on stage while dating Harry Styles. 

Seeing these four men share a stage in their all black getups is sickening. They shouldn’t know each other — especially not Paul and Barry. It’s like finding out your crushes from different classes are all family friends. 

And in what world does Harris look like any member of The Beatles, let alone John Lennon. Unlike the Fab Four, he has a perfect, dainty, angelic face. 

I already put on a happy face for Timothée Chalamet’s turn as Bob Dylan, but I can’t keep pretending. Imagine how many mid-budget rom-coms could be made in the time these four were prepping for and filming the same movie four times! My favorite projects of theirs are low budget and directed by women Aftersun, Scrapper, and the “Please, Please, Please” music video. With regards to Joseph Quinn, he’s none of my business!

It just seems really dumb to have the same FOUR movies as three of your contemporaries. I become obsessed with actors because they are hot, but also because they are different and expose me to new films, directors, and modes of acting. Buying Harris, Barry, and Paul stock early, I expected to watch three unique careers unravel. But it’s a tale as old as time, they never want to be my favorite actor, they want to be movie stars. 

Anyways, Josh O’Connor marked safe!

@seanburkeshow

Keoghan & Mescal Beatles Audition.

MORE ON RACHEL ZEGLER: A piece in the New Yorker offers an interesting analysis of the conversation around Rachel Zegler and Snow White. The writer compares Zegler’s treatment to similarly out-spoken middle-aged white actors like Mark Ruffalo and Guy Pearce and contextualizes Zegler’s treatment with Rumeysa Ozturk and Mahmoud Khalil’s arrests by ICE. She argues, “a commonality between them is that they work within ostensibly powerful cultural institutions that are now under assault by the Trump Administration.” 

SO THAT WASN’T THE POINT: On a talk show White Lotus and Sex Education star Aimee Lou Wood talked about seeing videos of orthodontists on Instagram analysing everything wrong with her teeth, but changing their tune at the end by saying she shouldn’t change a thing. There’s been a lot of discourse and conversation around her toothy smile and it’s funny to see the systems in place breeding smile-related insecurity superficially embrace her. When a woman who fits into every other beauty standard has “imperfect teeth” she is treated differently ❤️ An example of the limitations of a beauty-centered body positivity movement.

CELEBRITY BEAUTY CONTRACTS: Allure published a breakdown of how celebrity beauty contracts work. Unsurprisingly, actresses make more money for a week of wearing/promoting a beauty brand than on a film. Sad!

INDULGENCES: MY ALTAR BOYS

Former Skins cast members, anyone Irish, British actors whose breakout role was “playing gay,” rappers from Kentucky, and men in Ocean’s Eleven (and their codependent best friends) are all fair game.

CHARLIE FROM GIRLS seems happy.

That’s all today because they are doing the same four movies :(

As always, I’m open to your feedback and suggestions of what to include in Altar Boys. I’m still off social media, so if you see an Altar Boy, say something! Thank you for reading and maybe send this to a friend to subscribe <3